Always Looking Up

It came to me in a dream last night that the stars will shine on us if we let them.
If we open ourselves up to them, they will shine their light into us to give to the rest of the world.

To power the most immovable objects.

As we walk out on a clear night, we see them shake, dance and burst with longing to show us their messages from within.
For me they spoke with such urgency, but yet so peacefully.

With words..oh such words to behold "Never borrow from the future. If you worry about what may happen tomorrow and it doesn't happen, you have worried in vain. Even if it does happen, you have to worry twice."

I woke with an entire new agenda for life; earth is but a place not in need of change, but of renew.

My lack of caffeine has prolonged a better dream. And if I'm to go to bed on time, I may wake up to a new day with time unrushed, and full of magnitude.

I must settle for what I've got, and say no to projects that won't fit into my time schedule, or that will compromise my mental health.

Never again will I clutter my days or nights with so many menial and unimportant things that I have no time to accept a real challenge when it comes along. A day merely survived is no cause for celebration. We're not here to fritter away our precious hours when we have the ability to accomplish so much by making a slight change in our routine. No more busy work. No more hiding from success. We must leave time, leave space, to grow.

A forgiving attitude means the WORLD to our generation; most people are doing the best they can. To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.

Being kind to unkind people can and WILL change us for the good. You will emit the most beautiful light that will radiate through your lips.
You will welcome the sun as your own.

If we were to sit on our ego for just a brief moment, we would feel the most cool and refreshing breeze against our skin.
As the mist of our eternal sea cools our hot-headedness, we'd know then that we are in no need to wear that mask.

As I lie on my back I'm not looking up, but looking out at the universe-one of which I take in mind I'm not the general manager of. I'm stuck to the side of this planet, only able to be stoked on gravity.

Each star in the sky had something to give me. I was an open vessel just waiting to absorb.

I found peace with my pillow.
Right next to a piece of gum I'd forgotten to make peace with.
But in this, I was far from a sticky situation.

Good morning, starshine. The earth says hello.

Stoked On Gravity

Today was a day different from most I've had in the past few years. A certain attentiveness in the air; something that stays on you and makes you feel aware of your surroundings. It was probably just my sweat. It was rather hot today in Jtown.

Little or no breeze.

I miss her dearly. I dropped her off last Thursday and I've yet to see her. She's blistering in the heat of the gravel parking lot, most likely holding the now melted collection of CD's, and has left no bacteria to survive. She holds in the summer heat like a Hot Pocket. We try to enjoy but end up in deception of her burn. The hot-pocket-lava is to the seatbelt buckle touching your neck. I've been cheating on her with dad's buick.

On a drive to hastings today I saw some of the most inspiring words ever written by anyone. It was a man on the corner of 7th st. and Murphey Blvd. holding a cardboard sign that read "Anything would help. Even-A-Smile. God Bless You." This got me. Any money I was about to spend on music or anything else in the store seemed criminal. I couldn't even concentrate on browsing the selections the store had to offer after seeing the magnificent stranger.

I left my cupidity at the curb and bought him the biggest bottle of water I could find, and gave it to him thanking him for his positive attitude. It's people like him that spread joy in love on even the hottest days of summer. "Even A Smile."

The drive home left me in a world of ponder. Today I felt more alive than I had in a long time.

This life is it.

It's all we have. I'm not denying an afterlife by any means, but our earthly life is it.
We need to EMBRACE our moments of sadness, despair, heartbreak and fear, for they are the moments that show us what happiness really is. Without them, happiness doesn't exist.

I'm only thankful that gravity keeps me on the ground with the people I know.
I'm stuck on earth with the most intelligent beings in creation.
I'm stuck here with people to love, and learn from.
I'm stuck here to develop courage.
I'm stoked on gravity.

Here's a memorable quote from the movie "Charlie Bartlett" to take with you:
"Charlie Bartlett: I just think you're missing the big picture.
Kip Crombwell: What big picture?
Charlie Bartlett: The universe.
Kip Crombwell: What about the universe?
Charlie Bartlett: Well, the universe is a pretty big place.
Kip Crombwell: Yea. It's infinite, theoretically.
Charlie Bartlett: Right, which means there's probably life on other planets.
Kip Crombwell: Not life like we think, but yeah. Probably at least single-cell organisms.
Charlie Bartlett: Well, see, that's my whole point. I mean you could've been born a single cell organism on the planet Zortex. In fact, given the odds, it's probably more likely, but you weren't. You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture. So really, you have everything to live for.

Live. Laugh. Learn. Listen. Lend. Lead. Lick. List. Love.

In Joy Your Day,
AndyHaut

The shower hit me at a different angle today

I'm having one of those days today.
I'm rushing on this cd deadline, but can't quite get the EQ right on some tracks.
A headache has decided to push against the back of my eyes at the worst time possible.
I'm out of deodorant and its down to the point that the plastic push-up thingy is scratching my pit.
My clothes don't quite fit right today.
..and I have to work in an hour.
Have you had one of these days lately?

It's one of those moments like you need an escape from reality, a need to drive for an hour, like you need to take your brain out and wash it of the crud that builds up week after week.

I haven't checked my personal spedometer, but I'm pretty sure I'd be pulled over for thinking too fast. Maybe even arrested. The breathalyzer would read "point of exhaustion" and the line for me to walk would be on the ceiling.

I've decided to give the keys to someone else for now.
To all my beautifully patient friends, the CD may come a little later than Tuesday.

I just need to give the headache some breathing room, and open the window of my mind. I need to take this CD one track at a time. I need to go deodorant shopping. I need to smile at a stranger, and make a new friend. As for my clothes, I think they need their alone time. I think I'll take some time to just be free. That's exactly why I'm writing this. Naked.

In Joy Your Day,
AndyHaut

Connection

We've connected, but only in a way that lovers should be connected.
We are not lovers, for the feeling isn't mutual.
The physical and emotional detachment is to blame for what brings me down.
That we must become ships passing in the night is for what reason I am lonesome.
I only wish it would become to your concern, but you know not how I feel.
If only...if only.

A New Arrangement

12:04am

Thursday

I'm leaving, but I don't know where to.
I'm lost, lonely, and sick of sleeping pills.
Those pills make me dizzy, forgetting my body,
I watch as it walks away.

There's too much going through my head at once these days.
I'm uncomfortable with others' reaction to my self reflection, but I guess it's what I had comin'.
I guess love's some kind of lottery....and you scratch and see what's underneath.
For me its sorry. Just one cherry. Play again.....

Get lucky.


Sometimes if you close your eyes long enough, you realize that what you see isn't dark, but all a bunch of white. It's really kind of confusing if you see it...like, even when you hide your eyes from light, it's all you see.
That's sort of how I've felt lately. Those who've given up on me have given up on me. But those who I'd once given up on are coming back into my life. And it makes me feel again.
Because the lonelier I've been, the more alone I'd rather be.

I don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm going back to one job.
I'm going back to school.
I'm going back to music.
I'm going back.
I'll call you soon.
Because I miss you.
And you and I haven't talked in awhile.
We'll hang out again.
I'd love to know what you've been up to.

Because it's how it's suppose to be.
And I'll explain my life in four words:

Sleep. Eat. Work. Poop.

Now It's Easy, Getting Easier Pt. 2

I have some friends I barely see, but we're all planning to meet...
...we'll lay in bags as dead as leaves together, for eternity.

Miles&Paul
We're gunna go rock climbing man.
We're gunna track down all those made-for-tv disney movies and have a ball.
We're gunna start a band in our place next fall and destroy.
You will teach me your ways of kung-fu.
We will, inevitably, meet David Bowie.
We're gunna kidnap the easter bunny.
Since your accident Paul I've felt a lot closer to you.
You too will be in the band in the fall.
And you will teach me kung-fu.
And then we all will get a boat house.

Richie
I'm sorry about your tooth.
I'm sorry you became a ballerina.
Maybe I'll be gay soon too.
I don't know why you like salt so much, but I love you for that.
You are the best friend I guy could ask for

Laura
I could spend forever with you.
You have no idea the times I laugh out loud in public because of something we did I thought of.
How we use to have those stupid little fights because I'm lame like that.
You really don't know what you have until its gone.
Lucky for me, I still have you :D
I love you so so much.
Thank you.


And now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth...
...someone might get hurt, but it won't be me

I can't believe it.
It's really finished.
We've gotten this far, and now it's gone.
It hurts.
I hurt.
I'm done hurting tho.
I'm not gunna hurt anymore.
Thanks for letting me go.

The sun came up with no conclusions
Flowers sleeping in their beds
The city cemetary's hummin'
I'm wide awake, It's morning

Now It's Easy, Getting Easier Pt. 1

It's a Wednesday in December.
3:01 PM
...and you're about to read the longest blog I've ever written.
I guess its a "why" of how I've been feeling lately.
...and you're most likely in it....

Did it all get real?

...I guess it's real enough


Lucky/Easy/Free


Here's Laura
She is proof that a relationship can end, and at the same time continue forever.
She and I broke up, but still get along and love each other.
She had to move.
She has different beliefs, which is wonderful.
She taught me so much in the time we had together.
I remember when we'd lay out under the stars, lost and in love.
A love I'd dreamed of.

She is what saved me. She's the reason I'm still alive.

God
I continue to work on my relationship with God.
Through all the crap I go through emotionally, I still talk to him.
I've seen him every day in my parents.
I see him through those alone who keep to themselves, but still hold a smile.

That's what saved me. That's how I'm still alive.

The Life Band
I play guitar in our church's contemporary worship service.
It's called the life band.
Where people can come to life, like I do each week.
I couldn't ask for better band mates.
A place to not only worship my maker, but to laugh each week.
I am in love with life every sunday morning and at practice monday night.

That's what saved me. That's how I'm still alive.

My Family
Anymore, I've been closer to my mom than I have been in quite some time.
We get along better.
She shows that she cares, every single day.
My dad gets me through so much.
Without him I'm lost.
I owe my life to my parents.
I owe my health to my parents.
I owe it all to my parents.
I see my brother Jon's struggle every day.
I love him.
I'm sad for him, but I try to be here for him, when I can.
I know he's gunna be just fine.
He takes care of us.
My brother David, his wife and his beautiful daughter have their own life.
They still love us, they're just distant.
Last night David called me, and at the end of the phone call I got to talk to my niece.
She can't say much yet, but she said "Hi" and "I love you."
That brought me love.

That's what saved me. That's why I'm still alive

Let's not shit ourselves.....

.....and love to be loved

I'm staring at the sun, waiting for it to explode...
...because the day is gunna come. I don't know when but it will come.

There's this girl
I won't mention her name, but there is this girl I met a few months ago. I met her through a common friend at a party, and thought she was beautiful. She had eyes to get lost in, a great body, outgoing personality-you know, the kind of girl a guy like me could never get. She made me feel hopeful, liked, and happy.

After awhile she really showed interest in me, and i really thought something was possible here.
She offered a place in her bed next to her.
She cancelled plans for me.
She led me on.
She stopped talking to me and started sleeping with (having sex) some guy.
A guy that treated her terribly.
(mind you she and I had no physical relationship.)
Most of all, she said "I love you"


I love you is something that should never be thrown around meaninglessly. Which is exactly what happened.
Saying I love you is a gift. NOT a lie.

That's what killed me, that's how I died.

My "friends"
Other than the 2 REAL friends I have in who live in springfield, my "friends" here have been less than supportive.
I ask for help, you are busy.
I ask to talk, you will another time.
I'm hurting, and you're hiding.
What am I through your eyes?
A loser.
A loner.
Useless.
Sad.
A hypocrite.
A reject.
Single.
Alone.
Sucks to be him.
Thanks.
You're dead to me; as I am now to you.

That's what killed me. That's how I died.

Off on my own tangent
I've wanted to do this for awhile:
Your cell phone is not your baby. You can live without it.
Don't tell me how to live right and go sleep with that guy. Don't lie, I heard you.
Vegetarianism is not the right way; animals were created to be eaten.
Don't tell me you're broke, you leave town every weekend to go party.
Yes, that DOES make you look fat.
Quit making excuses
Don't tell my my music is good when the cd I gave you hasn't moved since I gave it to you.
Guess what? I hope you're pregnant!
The truth hurts.

Step1: Open Ass
Step2: Insert Head

You might think I'm an asshole now.
You're probably right.
But I guess now you see me the way I've seen you.

Congratulations