A New Arrangement

12:04am

Thursday

I'm leaving, but I don't know where to.
I'm lost, lonely, and sick of sleeping pills.
Those pills make me dizzy, forgetting my body,
I watch as it walks away.

There's too much going through my head at once these days.
I'm uncomfortable with others' reaction to my self reflection, but I guess it's what I had comin'.
I guess love's some kind of lottery....and you scratch and see what's underneath.
For me its sorry. Just one cherry. Play again.....

Get lucky.


Sometimes if you close your eyes long enough, you realize that what you see isn't dark, but all a bunch of white. It's really kind of confusing if you see it...like, even when you hide your eyes from light, it's all you see.
That's sort of how I've felt lately. Those who've given up on me have given up on me. But those who I'd once given up on are coming back into my life. And it makes me feel again.
Because the lonelier I've been, the more alone I'd rather be.

I don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm going back to one job.
I'm going back to school.
I'm going back to music.
I'm going back.
I'll call you soon.
Because I miss you.
And you and I haven't talked in awhile.
We'll hang out again.
I'd love to know what you've been up to.

Because it's how it's suppose to be.
And I'll explain my life in four words:

Sleep. Eat. Work. Poop.

Now It's Easy, Getting Easier Pt. 2

I have some friends I barely see, but we're all planning to meet...
...we'll lay in bags as dead as leaves together, for eternity.

Miles&Paul
We're gunna go rock climbing man.
We're gunna track down all those made-for-tv disney movies and have a ball.
We're gunna start a band in our place next fall and destroy.
You will teach me your ways of kung-fu.
We will, inevitably, meet David Bowie.
We're gunna kidnap the easter bunny.
Since your accident Paul I've felt a lot closer to you.
You too will be in the band in the fall.
And you will teach me kung-fu.
And then we all will get a boat house.

Richie
I'm sorry about your tooth.
I'm sorry you became a ballerina.
Maybe I'll be gay soon too.
I don't know why you like salt so much, but I love you for that.
You are the best friend I guy could ask for

Laura
I could spend forever with you.
You have no idea the times I laugh out loud in public because of something we did I thought of.
How we use to have those stupid little fights because I'm lame like that.
You really don't know what you have until its gone.
Lucky for me, I still have you :D
I love you so so much.
Thank you.


And now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth...
...someone might get hurt, but it won't be me

I can't believe it.
It's really finished.
We've gotten this far, and now it's gone.
It hurts.
I hurt.
I'm done hurting tho.
I'm not gunna hurt anymore.
Thanks for letting me go.

The sun came up with no conclusions
Flowers sleeping in their beds
The city cemetary's hummin'
I'm wide awake, It's morning

Now It's Easy, Getting Easier Pt. 1

It's a Wednesday in December.
3:01 PM
...and you're about to read the longest blog I've ever written.
I guess its a "why" of how I've been feeling lately.
...and you're most likely in it....

Did it all get real?

...I guess it's real enough


Lucky/Easy/Free


Here's Laura
She is proof that a relationship can end, and at the same time continue forever.
She and I broke up, but still get along and love each other.
She had to move.
She has different beliefs, which is wonderful.
She taught me so much in the time we had together.
I remember when we'd lay out under the stars, lost and in love.
A love I'd dreamed of.

She is what saved me. She's the reason I'm still alive.

God
I continue to work on my relationship with God.
Through all the crap I go through emotionally, I still talk to him.
I've seen him every day in my parents.
I see him through those alone who keep to themselves, but still hold a smile.

That's what saved me. That's how I'm still alive.

The Life Band
I play guitar in our church's contemporary worship service.
It's called the life band.
Where people can come to life, like I do each week.
I couldn't ask for better band mates.
A place to not only worship my maker, but to laugh each week.
I am in love with life every sunday morning and at practice monday night.

That's what saved me. That's how I'm still alive.

My Family
Anymore, I've been closer to my mom than I have been in quite some time.
We get along better.
She shows that she cares, every single day.
My dad gets me through so much.
Without him I'm lost.
I owe my life to my parents.
I owe my health to my parents.
I owe it all to my parents.
I see my brother Jon's struggle every day.
I love him.
I'm sad for him, but I try to be here for him, when I can.
I know he's gunna be just fine.
He takes care of us.
My brother David, his wife and his beautiful daughter have their own life.
They still love us, they're just distant.
Last night David called me, and at the end of the phone call I got to talk to my niece.
She can't say much yet, but she said "Hi" and "I love you."
That brought me love.

That's what saved me. That's why I'm still alive

Let's not shit ourselves.....

.....and love to be loved

I'm staring at the sun, waiting for it to explode...
...because the day is gunna come. I don't know when but it will come.

There's this girl
I won't mention her name, but there is this girl I met a few months ago. I met her through a common friend at a party, and thought she was beautiful. She had eyes to get lost in, a great body, outgoing personality-you know, the kind of girl a guy like me could never get. She made me feel hopeful, liked, and happy.

After awhile she really showed interest in me, and i really thought something was possible here.
She offered a place in her bed next to her.
She cancelled plans for me.
She led me on.
She stopped talking to me and started sleeping with (having sex) some guy.
A guy that treated her terribly.
(mind you she and I had no physical relationship.)
Most of all, she said "I love you"


I love you is something that should never be thrown around meaninglessly. Which is exactly what happened.
Saying I love you is a gift. NOT a lie.

That's what killed me, that's how I died.

My "friends"
Other than the 2 REAL friends I have in who live in springfield, my "friends" here have been less than supportive.
I ask for help, you are busy.
I ask to talk, you will another time.
I'm hurting, and you're hiding.
What am I through your eyes?
A loser.
A loner.
Useless.
Sad.
A hypocrite.
A reject.
Single.
Alone.
Sucks to be him.
Thanks.
You're dead to me; as I am now to you.

That's what killed me. That's how I died.

Off on my own tangent
I've wanted to do this for awhile:
Your cell phone is not your baby. You can live without it.
Don't tell me how to live right and go sleep with that guy. Don't lie, I heard you.
Vegetarianism is not the right way; animals were created to be eaten.
Don't tell me you're broke, you leave town every weekend to go party.
Yes, that DOES make you look fat.
Quit making excuses
Don't tell my my music is good when the cd I gave you hasn't moved since I gave it to you.
Guess what? I hope you're pregnant!
The truth hurts.

Step1: Open Ass
Step2: Insert Head

You might think I'm an asshole now.
You're probably right.
But I guess now you see me the way I've seen you.

Congratulations

Brief. Fool.

It is once again a beautiful day in this bi-polar week, 1 being because its my birthday, 2 being because...well, its a beautiful day! I have an hour until francais, and I thought I'd spend some of it updating my life in a blog.

About 10 minutes ago I signed a petition to reduce marijuana penalties, something which I don't smoke, but support completely. I'm very hopeful that we can free up some jail space.

I smell good food, so ill return at a later time to explain more about the agenda.

TatA

Don't let the bed bugs byte.

I've excited myself to the point of infirmity. Tonight-or this morning rather-I feel different than I've ever felt before. To a point where I'm letting myself feel and it's ok. To the point when I can accept change without being so analytical of my actions.

I feel I need to get away. Away from the chaos that is this society; this sort of deviant conformity we all live in if one is to call it that. It's been so hard to understand what I want, but I haven't been looking in the write places.

I can't write music to make an album, but I should write music to express and expand.
Wearing a headband doesn't mean I'm gay-its simply to keep my hair back and out of my face.
Feeling uncomfortable is only what is considered uncomfortable by others. No one would know or care otherwise.
I don't know why my 4am ramblings inspire me to write, but today they do.
Something tells me that my life is about to change.

I no longer feel the needs or wants of material possessions, because they haven't made me happy so far. All I long for is to use my gifts, and share the friendship I have to offer with others.

What I seek is an escape. A journey. An adventure. A trek. Anything to bring me closer to who I am.

I just felt like I needed to live in words for a moment. Goodnight sweet cyberspace.

Don't let the bed bugs byte.

Short Like The Power

Being home alone is great and all, but unfortunately its too cold to wander in the nude. My lack of a liaison at the Haut house has me scouring for food and projects, cutting wood is on the list, but not on the agenda.

That's about it, other than the fact that I'm still without cable, which leaves me without internet, which leaves me without a life. Or not.

Ta Ta, and don't forget to write.

-Boob

I'm Up To My Fryballs In Happiness

Quarter pounder:$2.15
Medium Dr. Pepper:$1.21

Hanging with the my McHappy friends: Epic



Today in Andyland there is power, but no internet. McDonalds holds the only regnant source of access to the world wide web of fun and fantasy in my interest. For the small price of listening to the vapid musical arrangement and the children scrambling about, I can check my email keep up-to-date on the whereabouts of Santa Clause.

I get to man the fort tomorrow because my parents are going to Texas for a job interview that my dad is interested in. This means I need to soon search for an apartment. Because of the high meal plan rates at Southern, living in an apartment will save me the money that I don't have. This meaning I should come out even in the end.

We got the power back at work today, so I went in, but we didn't work. Instead we watched youtube videos and procrastinated the work, blaming it on the faulty electricity problem. It was an easy day to ponder and wander, not to mention the random strolls through the office to cure the illness of boredom. Fact: Ab workouts DO loosen you up. I've made 5 trips to the bathroom today, all because of the workout I did the other night. I must have flexed my inner workings just right.

It is crucial that I find a more strategic approach to blogging at fast food eateries such as this. The only electrical outlet is near the door, a place I don't fancy because of the current atmospheric conditions. Each person that opens the door bestows upon me a cold rush of goosebumps and the sudden urges to use the lavatory. I'm not quite sure why, but when nature calls it doesn't leave a message, it calls back until I answer.

All is fun and games until someone has to use the bathroom, then its just a mission to block the door. Mr. Hamlet told me that at the country club one day, I think I finally understand.

I would like to leave you with these words to conclude.
Whoever said that money can't find happiness just didn't know where to shop.

-icecream